You know that feeling, that I really do need to feeling?

NO peep, that’s not the I need to have another nip sandwich sort of a feeling….

What’s that peep? A new glass of wine feeling? Nope don’t do wine not unless it’s a cream de moth, with a slice of best Canadian Cheddar, best three year old vintage, on a stick, easy on the pineapple. In fact so easy just give it and the stick a miss, sort of easy. purrs

Anyways if your asking me in a round about way to get you, peep, a glass of the jolly nip vino, I think the answer is N.O.T, No Opposable Thumbs my peep old pal! Anyways that’s what the waiters for, stupid or not, it can get it.

Whats that peep? the waiters NOT stupid! Now I hate to pull you up peep, but I do very much recall you saying we need a waiter that’s stupid, yup, thems the words, a stupid waiter.

What? you said a dumb waiter?… well I’m sure that difference makes all the difference to the chap, stuck in that little room all day, no wonder he doesn’t talk that much, ahah! that’s why he’s dumb!

Now peep, really you could have said, I’ve been calling him for ages and wondered why he didn’t answer or get my cream. Mind you if I had a job description of dumb waiter I’d be a bit quiet too purrs

Anyways I keep getting that I REALLY need to do SOMETHING sort of a feeling, and before you say peep, its nothing to do with mousing or playing with my new E-Stick. It’s like when you have that primal urge, the primal instinct to…. you know surely?

WHAT! What’s that peep? It’s NOT that sort of a primal urge, heck I’m not that sort of a Princess, absolutely NOT no way no how am I allowing any Tom around the Palace. Mouses!

Now look peep, do I really have to spell this out to you?

OK clearly I do. Look, come over here peep and I’ll whisper in your ear…..

*****Whispering sounds*****

What do you mean, my whiskers tickled you and you couldn’t hear?

Look peep, as much as it embarrasses me, clearly I do need to shout this out, I NEED TO PEE!

Well I DO know how to pee, thanks for asking, peep, but this is the third time in as many hours and I really do need to go again, so if you’ll excuse me, I need to find a bush….

*****Some moments later*****

Phew, made it, well nearly, but really don’t feel I’ve got rid of that urge, sort of on the cusp sort of an urge

What’s that peepers? I don’t need to go outside to my bush?

Well if you don’t mind me saying, that sounds a bit… um… indelicate. Where’s a Princess to do her ablutions I ask you, it’s not quite the thing one wants all to see, no ma’am. In the open is all well and good for somethings, but not this Princesses derriere, heck that’s worse than the cat flap fiasco….

Litter you say, well I’m not entirely sure what kittens have to do with this, unless it’s to take my mind off things. Thankfully I cant have those on account of a certain snip, and anyways giving birth puts pressure on your bladder and makes one want to pee more. Aww mouses! that’s started me off again!

What you mean litter as in litter tray?

WHAT! What you want me to use THAT?, the thing that’s been nestling in the corner of the great hall that you’ve been growing mushrooms in, YOU want me use THAT!

OK so there aren’t actually any mushrooms in it, but I figures it was just waiting till winter. But you can not be serious, where’s the privacy, or the tassel’s, and the color, I mean grey really is a no this season.

Oh hang on, that urge is back… quick let me at it…. nothing for it but to give this thing a go. Peepers please, a little privacy if you will.

Oh my this is a bit rough on the paws, oh and a bit dusty, oh my this really isn’t going to do my skin any good at all!

Peepers please, really, about face and grab some cream, I feel a trauma coming on and may need a creme de nip soother…

***** Some seconds later, and much grit flinging *****

Phew, glad that’s over, can’t believe the indignity, and the mess, not to mention the fact I’ll need a manicure. I really can’t see that this will catch on. I know I used it at the shelter, but in ones own palace?

For starters there is no greenery or gentle bird song to soothe the… er… passage, or the pitter patter of the rain running of the leaves….. Aw Mouses! that’s just started me off again….

Now look peepers, there is no way I want to carry on using the mushroom tray, there’s nothing else for it, fetch the Bentley, and make me an appointment to see the Lady Jenny over at the Meadow. Hop to it now whilst I… er… try to water those there mushrooms…

Well dear readers, so began a necessary visit to The Lady Jenny. I do not often speak of this fine peep on account that I do not often visit her, but fine she is, and well versed in all the modern arts of medicine, and alas also the less than modern art of taking ones temperature.

Really, they do need to warm that thing first, or get peeps to take it for me, heck its the least she could do, slip it under the tongue for a bit, not chew, and voila, temp taken. purrs

Anyways, we had a private consult, well it did affected my private functions, and seems like I have contracted cystitis!

Gasp, shock and horror, and  well you might as quite frankly I cant think where that came from, maybe it was something peep brought home in the Sunday supplements, or in one of those spam emails.

Well after a long chat in the consultation room, Lady Jenny headed off get some special medication. Special I hasten to add, because I can’t get my peep to give me anything, absolutely terrified of tablets it seems, or was it my claws and teeth? Anyhow, whilst I was waiting I got that sudden urge to go, investigating that is. You know how it is, see a box and jump in, well for me its see an unlocked computer, a mouse, and an assault coarse of funny looking trays, and I just have to have a go, brings out the Ninja in me. purrs

Well you should have seen the look of surprise on peeps face as I proceeded to tackle the various obstacles laid out before me. I cleared the ravine between my couch and the administrative area, and was faced with a choice. Left were those big old weigh scales and the medical supplies, whilst to the right was the computer, and a rather well placed napping area behind, and maybe even the chance of a mouse or two.

Heading right was clearly not an interesting option as a) a quick inspection of the pharmaceutical supplies revealed no evidence of medicinal nip or cream, and b) no self respecting lady, or indeed princess, would be seen in public anywhere near weigh scales, (well not with peeps in the room!) not that I have a weight problem, no Ma’am I’m as fluffy and cute and chub… er… trim as ever.

Anyways I headed over to that there computer and plonked myself down on a rather natty cat sized lounger sat just in front. What a nice touch, clearly the Lady Jenny’s practice is leading the way in feline consultations, with modern furniture comforts and internet access. Must make a note to write a thank you and a letter to the Times. purrs.

Anyways, I was scrolling down the consultation papers and got another of those urges, you know the urge, and I could think of no where to go bar behind the computer. I mean it was the only spot that offered privacy and warmth to have a NAP! Come on guys you didnt really think I had gone behind to have a pee did yer? purrs

Anyways, just as I curled down, the Lady Jenny reappears with my pre scription, or was it a post scription? (I’ll be writing to Miss Description on that later) for my… er… inconvenience shall we say, and spotted yours truly behind the monitor. Well in truth she spotted the mouse disappearing behind the monitor, but we won’t go into that too much, but I do like to cuddle up to something when I nap. purrs

Well what ensued, the embarrassment of it all, you should have heard the language. I mean I have NEVER heard such apologetic words in all my life, I didn’t know where to look! Dear old peep really didn’t need to make such a fuss, these things are quite the norm Lady Jenny said, and it seems I had reached heights in such endeavours that previous clients hadn’t yet attained. Class will out, of course. purrs

Anyways, with my sleep disturbed I had no choice but to return to to the couch and await the final consultation, and my jabs.

Well my dear pals this is where things do take a turn for the worse, and I must sadly report that I have contracted another complaint, one I had feared may have arisen, and had hoped the world not to know. Sometimes there are things that one has to shoulder alone, to grin and bear.

But ever the honest forthright and leader of fashion, I must alas advise that those fiendish tech peeps, like the press, had done the proverbial dirty on me and broke the news to the world. OK it was the consulting room, but that was plenty enough I can assure you, I swear that Schnauzer had a press pass, and its only a short leap then to the society pages in Times. Mouses!

So, let me give you a warning my dear friends, be careful what you sit on when you settle down to use someone else’s computer, as seems like that rather natty lounger was in fact a high tech state of the art digital weigh scale, and yours truly weighed herself in and came up wanting, wanting a diet that is. Mouses!

So for now I have to lay off the cheese, the treats and worst of all, the cream!

By lay off, I mean of course peep has to stop forcing them on me. As it is not I but the pressures of society that has afflicted me. But I don’t have a problem, absolutely not, I can stop any time.

So, thinking on it, I find I must revert to my more primal instincts, you know the mice and the birds. Peeps I’m sure will be pleased for the extra company, and no doubt will miss those nights laying awake wondering if the pitter patter of little feet was me!

Of course, for a few small fees, I’m sure I could be persuaded to maybe make a concession, to drive back those primal feelings. And maybe peep could share the burden, after all T’was not I who bought the cream. And of course one must allow for seasonal variation, like peeps eating chocolate at Easter. So really there is quite a precedent I feel, and maybe a little bit of room for negotiation. I mean, I have seen peep on the ol’ weigh scales too! Just saying peeps ol’ pal, ol’ seasonally adjusted pal.

Hmm… now where did I put that number for the Times? purrs