Being a Cat does sort of exempt me from the financial running of my new home, mainly as I don’t get wages or pocket money to buy anything. This in turn is based on (a) my near disastrous foray up the Amazon with some spiders and a Pal (b) not having pockets and (c) me not needing money, being a Princess and all, least ways that’s what peep says! So all in all I rely on peep to sort out the essential comestibles, wood, coal and paper for my lap pot (that’s the paper for the lap pot and not the wood or coal!) Paper I hear you say, what paper would that be then? Why this here paper,the paper that I write my blog on of course; least that’s what I thought.
Now soon after finishing the first page of this here blog (or indeed that there blog dependent on where you’re reading this from) I was reviewing the page and pondering the meaning of fish, when out popped my blog from this box on my desk. Yep popped right out it did, with a whirring and a squeaking and flashing lights (and I swear a spark too) right onto my paw! Well I’ve got to admit I was somewhat surprised I can tell you, never thinking that in addition to doing my blog being on the web, I would be in print so quick. I’d not even sorted out pictures for the back cover let alone a publisher!
Buoyed by this prompt service I drafted another page, pawed the ENTER button and sat back to see what would happen. Well, after 36 winks (Mama always taught us to count properly, in nines) nothing had come from the box on my desk, not a dickybird or even the smallest dickymouse, and I would definitely have noticed a dickymouse, for sure! purrs
No matter how many times I pawed ENTER, and I did it quite few, nothing came out of that there little box, not even a squeak. It did strike me at that point that the ENTER key would really be better called the OUT key given that things should come out when you use it. This I thought is clearly was another matter that Miss Description needed to look at, and maybe if she had time, she could find my missing blog too!
Sitting back for a moment, it occurred to me that the lap pot may be clogged up, or worse still, broken! Now as Miss Description wasn’t about to drop in for a cream tea anytime soon, something had to be done quick or my burgeoning career (not to mention cream ration) would be cut short for sure! Galvanized, and I don’t recommend actually doing that to yourself as plays havoc on the fur, I popped open the little draw on the side of the lap pot and managed to claw out the round silvery mug mat that peep insists on leaving in there. A quick peek inside revealed no crumpled paper or heaps of old webs from my surfing, just some neat little lights, a few hairs (not peeps as hasn’t got any) and some crumbs from my last snack; hmm… salmon by the taste of them!
Duly flummoxed (who I think is a friend of Miss Description) and deflated in spirit as well as girth having now run out on the treat front, I retired to bed to consider how best to tackle peep about this, er, small broken issue. Thinking back to the duvet incident, I had high hopes that peep would forgive me and see this as serendipity, an opportunity to have a new up to date lap pot, or maybe even two! Before I knew it, I had drifted off into the land of Cream, with forests of cheese sticks and fields of lovely mousse coos.
I awoke to the sound of supper being prepared and so, much refreshed, I headed to my throne. On returning I was much surprised to find that the renown Gentlecat blogger Nerissa, Connoisseur a La Nip and now Senate nominee (resident of the wonderful land of 3yr old Mature Canadian Cheddar) had read my blog and sent me a message of support! Well we exchanged letters, and I happened to mention that my lap pot had run out of paper. Now would you credit it, Nerissa said his lap pot had never had any paper in it!
It was about this time that peep came up for his tweeting and saw that, er, things were out of sorts, what with the mug mat being out and page of blog on the table. Now pleading ignorance didn’t seem possible given the evidence, so I gave it my best “don’t look at me, I’m just a cat without opposable thumbs” look, threw in a coy princess head tilt and a couple of head butts and waited for peep to come to my rescue. Smiling, he filed the mug mat in the little draw and then picked up the blog. Glancing at me and then the draft on screen, he suggested that he should proof read my new blog, just to check for spelling and grandma errors. Without further ado he popped the paper INTO the box on my desk and hit the ENTER cum OUT key. Well Toms your father the paper was sucked into the box, whirring, squeaking and flashing and all, and then out it popped again (still a whirring etc) with my draft blog on it!
Well you can imagine my surprise, after all the worry all the stress the answer was sitting in my paws all along! Nerissa was right too, our lap pot never did have any paper in it either, mind you with hindsight that would’ve been just silly, with that mug mat in there it would only have got all damp and dirty!
Some days later I had just closed my eyes after a heady draft of fine cream from the local Maison de Madamoiselle Creme, and dreaming of a Big MaC feast I’d planned the following day, when a small rectangled beast slid quickly and quietly in my direction, stopping neatly & menacingly no more than a mouses whisker from my own. Eek!… I thought, the Metric Mouses have come to get me!
Now a surfeit of cream or cheese can do that to a girl, and a surfeit of cream flavored cheese (or indeed cheese flavored cream) clearly had I thought, jumping up just a little too quickly and banging my head, put me not only on the edge but many many leaps bounds & whiskers over it! Edge of what? I hear you say. Well, of that I’m not sure, but suffice to say it will have had an edge for sure, maybe even two, and I think a small floral motif around about, yes I’m sure it had one or maybe of those! purrs.
It was the bang on the head from the bed slats that put paid to any further thoughts of edges or creamland, and girl did it make my whiskers droop! Mama taught us kittens Composure under fire, Dignity after a fall. So, with that ringing in my sore head, I got out the old C&D and recovered with a quick lick of the paws, face & whiskers and said out loud “now whats going on here then?”
Close (but not too close) inspection showed it wasn’t a Metric Mouse, but a rather neat box with carry handle sticking out. The box was marked “as us” on the side, which made me think that there could be more of the same lurking somewhere about my bedroom! Whomsoever the “as us” were, they clearly weren’t “as me” a sleek feline princess with honed hunting skills and whiskers like radar, No Sir!
Now I surmised if this “as us” was meant to attack me, it had clearly lost the opportunity for surprise. However, having heard of small peeps hiding in a horse to gain access to some foreign holiday resort, it struck me that whilst this box might not have peeps inside, it might have some clever “as us” or even mices trying to get in or under my bed!
I clearly now I had the upper paw, and possibly the lower and even the middle paw (after all I do have four paws) so I did what any Princess would do to defend her honor and nap time, I attacked! Out came the claws & in went the paws and a solo game of carpet hockey ensued. It has to be said I played well, despite the weight of the “as us”, and I managed to bat it around the bed legs & under peeps chair for some minutes before the opportunity at goal (the doorway) arose. Lining up a shot, I let rip! and the box, “as us” and all, sailed through the posts and onto the linoleum floor beyond that leads to the stairs. Clearly trying to make good their escape, the box headed Due South, or in this instance Due Down in a spiral staircase sort of direction faster then me after nip! Finding new impetus with every bounce, the box (with me in pursuit) flipped and cartwheeled down the smooth wooden treads.
To say it stopped isn’t really true, it sort of disintegrated as it hit the ground floor, and with me landing on top there wasn’t really much hope of it staying in one piece or further escape! We had sort of arrived together in a mass of cardboard, tissue and various sized pieces of…er…plastic. Popping my head out from under a bit of tissue, I pawed my way through the debris and found no evidence of the “as us” or in deed mices, but did find a small booklet advising how to “Quick Start” clearly some sort of fright manual! Things in the debris started to come into focus, and pulling at a piece of wire a small keyboard popped out from underneath some packaging. Suddenly it dawned on me EEK….that plastic wasn’t a mouse it was a baby lap pot, a new baby lap pot, peep’s new baby lap pot, for sure!
The door to the lounge burst open, well actually the door exploded off its hinges and fell to the floor in pieces. Peep, all 6’6″ & rippling muscles, stomped in towards me, rage in his eyes and steam coming out of his ears and flames out of his hands! Eeeeeeee…..I closed my eyes and waited for my doom!
There was a thud, I tensed, but then nothing. I slowly opened my eyes. The room about me was dark save for a small night light in the hall above the stairs. I looked around and realized I was under the bed and evening had come. I could hear peep downstairs in the kitchen and the sound of supper being made. I was alive, there was no smell of fire or singe marks anywhere, and all was as I left it. A dream I thought, all a horrible dream! Now I said, there’s only one cure for that, supper and a nap, though I may just forgo the cheese mousse!
Getting up to head for supper, I stretched and immediately bumped into something in the gloom. Closer inspection showed a small box with a handle sticking out, and the name on that box was “as us”……